Parashat Vayishlach, 5766, Shalom Spencer
Parashat VaYishlach
December 17, 2005 / 16 Kislev 5766
Shalom Spencer
I want to dedicate this drash to the memory of my Zayda, David Wald. He survived the Shoa and taught me how to wrestle. His Yahrzeit is on 26 Kislav
“And Jacob was left alone and a man wrestled with him until the break of dawn. When he perceived that he could not overcome him, he struck the ball of his thighbone and the ball of Jacob’s thighbone became dislocated as he wrestled with him. Then he said ‘Let me go for dawn has broken’
And he said to him ‘What is your name?’
He said ‘Jacob’
He said “No longer will it be said that your name is Jacob, but Israel for you have striven with the Divine and man and you have overcome’
Then Jacob inquired , and he said ‘Tell if you please your name’.
And he said ’Why is it that you ask my name’
And he Blessed Him there.
So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel ‘For I have seen the Divine face to face yet my life was spared’.
This weeks parsha talks about struggle and gives us profound lessons on how to transform our beingness. For many years I have read this Parsha and been struck by the the wrestling match that Yaacov had with the Angel as well as the struggles he had with himself and others, and most importantly with himself. More importantly I have reflected how this parsha has mirrored my own struggles and growth.
The first part of this pasuk talks about Yaacov being left alone. The Jewish practice of meditation is called Hitbodadut or to be alone with oneself. Rebbe Nachman, one of my favorite Hasidic teachers recommended this practice of being alone in nature, talking with G-d . Sometimes this practice entails simply yearning, sometimes silence and sometimes struggling to find one word that will suffice as a means of making contact w/ G-d in “holy Conversation”. According to Rebbe Nachman, Yaacov was one of the first of our ancestors to teach us this pathway.
When did this wrestling take place? Apparently at night, a time according to Kabbalah that is associated to judgment (as opposed to Mercy). Yet it seems the culmination of his wrestling happened at the break of dawn. It seems that our own wrestling can take on a similar pattern. I do not mean to imply that wrestling or change happens quickly for it may take years until the light of dawn, or insights about ourselves, our relationship with others and most importantly with G-d, yields results. Apparently for Yaacov it took years for any insights we read about in this and last week’s Parsha to manifest in his consciousness. He struggled early at home with Esau, in fact most of his behavior bewilders us. He then suffers in the cold and heat in Laban’s home where he is deceived in the same way he deceived his brother.
And then we see a profound change over time. Rabbi Yacov Meir Shecter. A current Breslov leader in Jerusalem, writes in a recent book that we may spend literally years struggling to change and work on ourselves, All our prayers, meditation, efforts to change destructive behaviors seem to bear no fruit. We feel as if all our efforts are for naught. And then … at the most unexpected moment, a moment we never planned to happen, an insight or realization or breakthrough , however small, is granted to us. A new dawn has come.
Wrestling - Yaacov’s wrestling with the angel is one of the most well known in Chumash.
In his book “Ancient Secrets”, Levi Meir writes that the ‘ish’ whether he be a man, angel or G-d , is engaging Yaacov in a struggle . Unlike the dream in the previous parsh, Yaacov NOW learns that G-d is present in both beauty and struggle. “All struggles leave their mark. This is also true of our life today. Every risk taken , whether physical or emotional , may cause an injury and often does….a person who dies without struggles has not lived.” (Meir pg 43)
Another interesting thing about struggle is how often the most difficult and profound difficulties require our attention. In Rabbi Alan Lew’s wonderful new book “Be Still and Get Going” he points out how Yaacov’s wrestling was proceeded with his own discomfort with others but more importantly HIMSELF. Yaacov lies to his Father, covers himself to be ‘like Esau’. When he is in Laban’s home he is uncomfortable with his own life and how his deception has traveled with him as he is told that essentially that the younger do not marry before the older. Everything about the reality of his life , the life that he has created for himself and more importantly the life challenges that G-d has presented to him are a source of tremendous discomfort. It is at this point that the Angel (or G-d?) conveys to him that all those things that Yaacov hated about himself and and that others hated in him, are ironically his unfulfilled potential. They are his power, his strength but they have not yet been seen as such. It is only when he embraces and wrestles with it all that he can become Yisrael.
Rabbi Lew writes “this I think is the most significant moment of personal transformation we ever reach in our lives. The moment when we realize that the things we can’t stand about ourselves is our divine name; the moment when we realize that the thing about ourselves we have been avoiding, the thing we hate to see, is the very thing that makes us unique, that gives us our power as human beings.
For years I have looked at Yaacov’s weakness and seen him as if he and Esau are shattered parts of one whole being. According to Hasidic philosophy Yaacov represents the part of us that has a G-dly spark, that leans more to the spiritual but must constantly struggle. In fact Yaacov’s entire life, even after being named Yisrael struggles and finds little peace. Esau is the physical part of us, the Nefesh Behamet or the Animal soul. This is the struggle to embrace both souls , “The struggles of body and Soul” says the Sfas Emet “goes on in every one of Israel. The better you deal with the body, the more wholeness you will attain.” (Language of Truth pg 51). Hence when our Yaacov and Esau are one whole we are Israel.
What’s My Name? When Jacob asked the Angel it’s name the angel replies “why is it you ask my name? And he blessed him there?
Listen closely to Rashi’s incredible explanation of the angel‘s answer to Yaacov: “We have no fixed name. Our names change . It is all according to the command of the task of the mission upon which we are sent”
This wonderful teaching which like many of Rashi, seems to hold hidden meanings beneath the surface. It seems to me that what this is saying is that G-d sends messengers in the form of Angels and also in the Formless name of G-d the Shem Havayah. Yud Kay Vav Kay. The Infinite unnamable becoming. In any case G-d communicates to us, changing according to the “command of the task”. We are in a constant process of change every moment . Even our names may change. By that I mean we may not really know ourselves as well as we think we know. Sometimes we may be Yaacov, struggling vaguely aware of our spark of holiness, sometimes Esau, lusting physical and sometimes we may be whole as Yisrael. At that point we know our wrestling has yielded a message from G-d.
Almost 11 years ago I experienced my own wrestling w/ G-d and his angels…and myself. It was a bitter cold December and my Father would be living his last month of his life, as he was dying from bone cancer. My mother and I were both caregivers but we helplessly looked on as we watched his life force become depleted every day. A month later he would die. Two moths later, my Grandmother passed away as well. I had decided after the shloshim to move from my hometown of Monsey to California to be with my then young infant daughter. The transition that year and the next few years was incredibly difficult. I would experience unemployment, a horrible battle with back problems, relationship difficulties and complete culture shock I truly did not know who I was anymore. My old self and the ways I formally coped no longer worked. All the external reasons that caused me struggle brought me further into despair. I cried out many times to G-d. It was at an unexpected moment that I realized I needed to use all my strength, yes, I did have strength and power, and I needed to harness them in new ways. I was no longer the son, but the father. I was no longer the victim of a cruel market place but I could use my gifts and experiences and at the same time embrace the new demands and challenges. I no longer could be angry at everyone and everything but welcome my limping wounded self as a divine gift from G-d. I had earned a new name.
“so Yaacov called the name of the place Peniel ’For I have seen the Divine face to face yet my life was spared”.
May we all be blessed to see our Divine face.
Shabbat Shalom.