Congregation Netivot Shalom

Erev Rosh Hashanah, 5763
Maggie Bond

Shabbat Shalom, Chag Sameach and howdy-

In between eating honey and giggling in the ladies lounge, self-exploration is what Rosh HaShana is all about. I've got a few questions I've been wondering about lately, I don't know the answers to these questions but I think they're important ones to ask. Especially at Rosh Hashana where the focus is on tshuva. Self-exploration is the beginning of tshuvah.

My first big question is: How do I know who I am? I need to know who I am before I decide who I want to become.

Rosh Hashanah is about remembering that you are not who you hang out with, how you dress or what you eat. But it is often through these clichés or certain relationships that we are identified. For example, you could identify yourself as just someone's girlfriend. Or there are categories in middle school that you may put too much importance on, like if you're preppy or punk or a skater. Most of these roles are just granfalloons. That is, a category that people think is a big thing and gives them something in common but it's not really something that deserves that much emphasis or really connects people. As opposed to Judaism which is about what you believe, how you treat people, how you see the world and how you live your life.

According to a midrash in Kohelet Rabbah each person has three names, the name your parents give you; the name others give you; and the name you make for yourself. I would like to think the one you make for yourself is the most important. But it isn't usually seen that way in middle school. I am called by many names:

• Maggie.
• My dad used to call me his little gazelle - because I'm just so graceful.
• I'm Hannah's sister.
• I'm the girl with the pierced eyebrow
• I'm called punk rocker or Goth chick but they're wrong about that.
• I was recently called "Institutionalized Maggie"
• Rachel's friend.
• And when I was younger my grandmother called me "precious one."
• I call myself Maggie Darling.

We all have lots of names. There was this woman, a poet and a painter who only went by her first name - Zelda. She as born to a Hassidic family, in Russia. She wrote a poem about the many names we have, it is called: "Unto every person there is a name."

It talks about the name your parents give you and the name others give you. Mostly the name you make for yourself. The last part goes like this:

Unto every person there is a name
Derived from his celebrations
And his occupation.
Unto every person there is a name
Presented him by the seasons
And his blindness.
Unto every person there is a name
Which he receives from the sea
And is given to him by his death

The last verse confuses me. Is it saying you don't find yourself until the day you die? Or does your name keep changing till you die? Maybe you have many identities throughout your life. Each identity is real and you go through them more rapidly in middle school.

The last two years I've gone through about seven identities, although I was never in one long enough to get all the matching clothes and friends and music. But these are outside things. Inside I haven't changed that much. My principles, ideals and goals haven't changed. (though some of my beliefs have.) I'm not sure any of my past and present identities represent those parts of me.

When your insides and your outside don't match then you are not being true to yourself. You believe in one thing and do another. Then you lack integrity. The haftorah on Yom Kippur from the prophet Isaiah is about integrity. It says just fasting is not enough:

This is the fast that I desire:
To unlock the fetters of wickedness and Untie the cords of the yoke.
To let the oppressed go free,
To break off every yoke.
It is to share your bread with the hungry and
To take the wretched poor into your home;
When you see the naked to clothe them.
And not to ignore your own kin.
Then shall your light burst through like the dawn.

Here God is telling us exactly what He is looking for. God wants us to do certain things not just because there is a rule to do exactly that, like leave the gleanings of the field for the poor, but because you believe in certain things, like it's important to make sure the hungry have enough to eat. It's not just that you do good things. It's that you do good things because you have good intentions.

So I've learned some things about Tshuvah. It's making sure that you turn toward your good intentions and turn away from your evil inclinations. It's making sure that the things you do match your good intentions. Like Maimonides says, you have control over what kind of name you have. You don't make just one name for yourself. You can keep improving your name all your life.

But I haven't answered my question, How do I know who I am? I want to be aware of the names I will give myself over time. How do I get a good name that reflects my good intentions? I will spend at the next ten days working on the answer to my questions. Actually, I'll be spending the rest of my life working on the answer.

Shana Tova.