Congregation Netivot Shalom

Rosh Hashanah, 5761
Delivered on September 30, 2000 / Tishri 1, 5761
Art Braufman

Over these Yamim Noraim, those of us who attend all services will be here for over 20 hours of prayer. That's a lot of time. Today, I want to explore with you what do we expect to get out of this investment? How can we best utilize that time?

As I prepared this drash, I felt like the Hazzan who wrote Hineni, the prayer chanted by the hazzan prior to the Musaf service on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I too am filled with trembling and self-doubt and wonder who am I to stand before you on this holy day to talk about such a holy subject as prayer. Yet, as I look around and talk to people, it appears to me that many of us are struggling with prayer, so I feel driven to share some thoughts that may help enrich our experience and make these Yamim Noraim, Days of Awe, a truly transcendent, awesome experience. May my words be accepted as a search from the heart of a fellow explorer searching for the path to Adonoy.

In this drash I sometimes use the masculine to refer to God, and I also use King instead of Sovereign. Also, I say "we" - yet I don't assume that we all feel the same way or share the same beliefs or struggles. I hope those terms don't interfere with my message.

During the year, I attend services frequently. I enjoy being in shul with my friends and community. I love the congregational singing. But do I really communicate with God? Do I really feel Hashem's presence? I hope that through struggling with this drash, I will be able to approach prayer differently. Maybe the best I can do for you is to acknowledge that if you are wrestling with prayer, you are not alone.

Let's start out with some questions: Does God hear our prayers? Does God answer our prayers? Why is there so much repetition? How many times do we need to say God is King? Do any of those questions seem familiar?

The questions come easily, how do we find the answers? Some of us are angry with God, others of us don't believe in God. Some of us struggle for meaning and find emptiness. I assume that by being here we want to connect to Adonoy. We understand that any struggle, requires a great deal of effort and without effort, we can't succeed. Yet, our brain and heart are suffering a disconnect and we don't know how to connect them. So the first prayer for those of us who are struggling is "Dear God, teach us how to find You". And for those who don't have this struggle, we ask you to help illuminate our path.

One question I asked was "Does God hear our prayers?" If God did answer our prayers, would we recognize the answer? Last evening we chanted the Shehechiyanu, thanking Adonoy that we lived through this past year and are gathered again to celebrate. As our voices rose in joined chorus, thanking God for giving us the gift of life, we indeed seemed to acknowledge that Yes; Adonoy did hear our prayers. Abraham Joshua Heschel says, "If God is unable to listen to us, then we are insane talking to God." The fact that we are here means that at some level, we believe that Hashem does listen to our prayers. Our challenge is to learn how to improve the way we talk to and hear God.

On the other hand, do we acknowledge that God can also say "No" to our prayers or not answer at all? Martin Buber in I and Thou says "only silence leaves to the Thou (God) its freedom - it just IS". In other words, since God is limitless, God's answer has to be silent. We have to discover the answer ourselves. When a Chasid once asked his Rebbe, "Does God hear our prayers?" The Rebbe replied, "I don't know, are you listening?" Prayer is our way of searching. Paradoxically, the answer to the question whether Adonoy answers our prayer lies within us. Do you remember the story of the pagan holding a dove in his hands behind his back and asking the rabbi - is the dove alive or dead? The Rabbi replies, " The answer is in your hands."

During these Yamim Noraim, we pause in our daily occupation and struggle to gain a better understanding of our Sovereign. Speaking for myself, I want to let God into my life, to recognize that God is Melech Haolam. Through prayer, I have the opportunity to talk to the Ruler, the Creator of All. Do you ever think what a wonder it is to be able to say "Baruch ATOH Adonoy Elohenu", "Blessed are YOU, Adonoy our God". How awesome to be able to address the Ruler of the Universe as Atoh - You. God has been patient and waits for me to crack open the heavy, hardened doors of my heart, so that He can enter. Through these days of teshuvah, I put the key in the old rusty lock, turn it and, with all my might push on that door, make it move a fraction of an inch to let Ruach haShem flow in. How thankful I am for such a moment. That is why I am here. I hope that by returning once again and searching for what is lost, maybe, just maybe I can find IT (and It is with a capital I).

Yet, I have to admit there are many difficulties. Many of us do not understand the Hebrew. Or even if we do understand the Hebrew, it doesn't speak to us. Or even worse, we read the English and are totally turned off. And there are so many distractions. It's not me that is blocking the way to God, it's the noise in the back, it's people walking in and out, it's the cantor's voice, it's thoughts about work or other members of my family, and on and on.

Rabbi Debra Orenstein during her Scholar in Residence Weekend addressed some of these difficulties and discussed the two aspects of prayer called "Keva and Kavanah". Let me first discuss Kavanah, the topic of a series Rabbi Kelman presented last Spring. A common translation is "intention". Basically it's the way we approach prayer. It's having the certainty, the conviction that God can be close to us. Heschel says, "If such conviction is lacking, if the presence of God is a myth to us, then prayer is a delusion."

Prayer can be considered to be like a journey. We need to have the desire to take that journey, and to start by taking the first step. Let us try to be mindful of our journey. Through mindfulness, we can raise the fallen sparks. We pray as a congregation so that sparks from those around us can ignite sparks within us and together our sparks will merge into a flame that rises to Adonoy. Our intention, our desire needs to be an innate drive within us - like a moth drawn to light.

Prayer can also be like a treasure hunt. Through our prayers, God permits Himself to be found. Just like a treasure hunt, we need to believe that there is a treasure and it can be found. Then our hearts are filled with desire and we are driven to search. If we think that we are on a wild goose chase, then we participate half-heartedly, never really get into it and give up. Faith and desire are keys to entering prayer. When I feel that the prayers don't speak to me, instead of complaining, I should be asking what can I do to raise myself to a higher level where I can speak to Adonoy.

Let's move on from kavanah to keva. Keva is the routine, fixed prayers that seem repetitive to so many of us. Many times, I find parts of the liturgy just too foreign. I struggle with it, I try not to say the words by rote. But it seems to no avail. Prayer must be alive, yet much of it sounds outdated and dead. Rabbi Orenstein noted that the Rabbis taught that keva is the Jewish way; fixed prayer is the key and the path to kavanah. That may be what the Rabbis taught, but what can I and others who are struggling, do?

Maybe, we could try to not be so analytical or judgmental about the exact wording. Let the sound of the davening, the moment itself, the feeling of the community that surrounds us and all previous communities who have said these prayers, enter and penetrate our soul and open the gates that lead to Adonoy.

Rabbi Orenstein gave some advice. She suggested that we select one or two verses or even parts of a verse, which have some affinity to us and dwell on it. We shouldn't punish ourselves by trying to fit one mold - the mold of Jewish prayer is magical. It can change to fit what you put into it. The liturgy has great depth and can be interpreted in many different ways. Find a part that resonates for you. Let that word, that concept be the gate that opens your path to approach Adonoy.

The Rabbi's also discussed the concept of "Michadesh"; the need for prayer to be renewed. Prayer is meant to be from the heart and something new should emerge every time we pray. If we just recite the written words by rote we are missing the intention of prayer. The prayers of the generations are to stir our hearts and guide us, not constrain us. So paraphrase the written prayers - talk to God. Let the chanting of the baaley tzibur and the congregations serve as the background. Slow down and have the intention to find something, search actively for it, and peel off the layers. Maybe, just maybe with that focus, you will suddenly hear the still, small voice. You won't hear the distractions around you and you will become aware of something deep inside you. Close your eyes, breathe deeply, listen, accept your experience, be aware of the awe you feel, be thankful, and relish the moment.

A moment like that during these Yamim Noraim is the chanting of the Avenu Malkenu. The spiritual energy vibrates in this sanctuary and is virtually tangible. It's impossible to sustain that throughout a service, but let us intend to have other moments like that. Be patient and curious and search for those rare moments and insights.

Heschel points out that " . . . it is through our feeling the words of the prayers, through the imaginative projection of our consciousness into the meaning of the words, and through empathy for the ideas . . . that prayer comes to pass. The word comes first, the feeling follows." Prayer is not a passive activity - it is a dynamic exercise requiring concentrated attention to the words and their meaning. The source of prayer is not the words in the Mahzor, the source is our soul. Prayer depends not so much upon loyalty to custom as upon inner participation.

Another corollary to being a traveler comes to mind. When we travel, we often travel with others. We discuss what we saw and what the guide said. We have many fellow travelers with us on this journey, all with the same destination. Let's share our experiences, frustrations, questions and delights. And just as on a journey, let us recognize that every small step we take brings us closer to our destination.

And our journey like any trip also has a limited duration. We can't dwell in one place too long. And that's particularly true if we are in a place where we don't want to be. We need to try a different approach. The key word is WE - we, individually, need to make the effort to go somewhere else. Even though this is a group tour, each of us experiences it differently. We have different feelings and different reactions. We are still together yet each of us needs to take responsibility for our individual attitude and our personal searching. The cure for unfulfilling prayer resides within each of us.

But, what about God? Who or what is God? How many people are here? 400, 450? We probably have that many views of God. Rabbi Elliot Dorff in his book Knowing God, argues that prayer speaks to so many levels of our being that even though it is the hardest Jewish practice to acquire, it has the potential to tell us the most about God. Dorff makes the point that without a personal God, prayer loses its soul. Yet, Jewish prayer is filled with paradoxes that we find jarring. God is portrayed in one prayer as the universal creator and in the next prayer as the particularistic giver of the Torah and lover of Israel. Human beings are nothing, yet worthy of being God's covenanted partners. Adonoy decides who shall live and who shall die, but because we have free will, - "repentance, prayer and good deeds can avert the severe decree". The prayers are saying that we cannot be too definite and self-assured about our beliefs, but rather be open to the complexity of life and of God. Dorff suggests that it is possible, if one suspends judgment on the philosophical issues that the experience of prayer can provide important input into one's understanding of Adonoy.

The poet Rabbi Immanuel Lubliner in his poem "Our Whispered Prayer" which is found in the Siddur Sim Shalom also reflects on these difficult paradoxical concepts with these words:

"No one is as remote as You, Adonoy our God, Yet no one is closer to us our parent, our sovereign. You are beyond the confines of all creation, Our deepest thought cannot grasp Your infinity. But the whispered prayer, rising from the depths of despair Touching Your endlessness wherever You are, Suddenly You, whom the utmost heavens cannot contain, Deign to dwell in each single searching heart."

Maybe we are being too hard on ourselves. Just like Moses had to ascend and descend Mt. Sinai a number of times, so prayer too has its ups and downs. We can't expect to have a constant peak experience. There is a limit to the heights we can reach. Even at Sinai, Hashem warned the people not to break through the boundaries of the mountain, the people were not able to approach close enough to see God. Exodus chapter 33, verse 20 says that no person can "see" God and live. Therefore let us approach our tefilot with dedication, with a sense of holiness, but let us not whip ourselves with vexation or ridicule when the results are less than we desire.

There have been Rosh Hashanahs when I can't stand hearing one more time "God is King". Why do we say God is King so many times? Because GOD IS the Ruler of the universe. Why can't I approach my prayer in that sense of awe rather than finding the repetition so difficult to accept? There's a Chasidic teaching that the repetition is to break through our stubbornness. To make us realize that we are NOT King or judge and to permit the realization that GOD IS KING enter our consciousness and to let God into our lives. When that happens, then we are open to teshuvah - repentance. Prayer comes in a complete turning of the heart toward God's goodness and power. Many people like to think that the purpose of prayer is to talk to ourselves rather than to Adonoy. Buber maintains quote "In the relationship between man and God, man bows down before God and prays to Him. All modern attempts to interpret this primal reality of dialogue as a relation of I to the self, as an event that is contained within the self-sufficient interior life of man are futile. They take their place in the abysmal history of destruction of reality" (enquote).

When the rabbis wrestled with these questions, they came up with the phrase "KNOW Before Whom you stand". How can we know what is unknowable? We can't click on God.com and presto God appears. Heschel states, "It is in moments of being faced with the mystery of living and dying, of knowing and not knowing, of love and the inability to love - that we pray - that we address ourselves to God who is beyond the mystery." I've learned that we can't understand life and death, yet we struggle to do so and turn away from the source that gives us life.

Many times during the services we recite the kaddish. Yitgadal v'yitkadash shmey rabah. May God's great name be magnified and sanctified. We let those words run off as a musical interlude. What are we really saying? Yitgadal v'yitkadash shmey rabah. "Magnified and sanctified be God's great name throughout the world." May there be more of God in our world.

Through these Yamim Noraim, the goal is to realize God's kingship and also His kinship. God and Man have an inseparable relationship of knowledge and love. Buber states that "Man knows God and also very well knows remoteness from God, but he does not know the absence of God: it is we only who are not always there". When we reach this level of understanding, this awareness of Adonoy in our lives, we realize that we who are created in God's image are also able to exhibit godliness. By observing Adonoy's commandments we are a step closer on the infinite journey to find the Almighty. As it says in Deuteronomy, God is not far away, You don't have to go over the seas to find Him. It's as though we are waiting for lightning and thunder and a booming voice to come down in the middle of the service and grant us our wishes. Instead it is for us to realize that God is also waiting, waiting for us to see that GOD IS KING.

In conclusion, I pray that God may renew our lives - grant us more days, not so we can make the same mistakes that we made before, but so that we can bring God into our lives, learn to do God's will and help Adonoy create and make the world, our world, a better place, a place of holiness, a place where we experience God in our daily lives and in our acts of love one to another.

Let us search for those moments when we will know that it is all worth the effort. Not only worthwhile, but a necessity for our spiritual being. Then from our inner depths we can truly say and know that it will be a shanah tovah.

Before we resume the service, let us pause for a moment of inner silence, so we can hear the still small voice inside of us.

Adonoy, purify our thoughts, our prayers, like an ingot in the crucible, burn away the impurities. Grant us the ability to focus the fire of our energy to find You. Let the pure, brilliant nugget that remains within us, illuminate our path throughout the coming year. As you open the inner gates of our hearts, let our personal longings rise up from deep within us. Let them burst out, like a balloon breaking loose and flying up and away, transporting us to spiritual insights and levels that we thought we could never reach. Open our eyes so we can see You all around us. Bestow your infinite love upon us and let it overflow from us unto all your creation.